


"Aftermath of Control" a memoir by Garrus Vakarian

by eswriter68



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Control Ending, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Love, Mass Effect 3, Memoirs, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-13
Updated: 2015-06-13
Packaged: 2018-04-04 04:15:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4125195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eswriter68/pseuds/eswriter68
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I always had trouble with Garrus agreeing to leave on the Normandy at the end of the game.  I could see Tali, Liara, Kaidan or Ashley agreeing to go but not Garrus.  I felt it went against his very nature. I wanted to write something that showed his love for Shepard and the emotions of how he would feel with each of the choices.  I started with Control as it was what I chose the last time I played.  I often choose Destroy and occasionally have chosen Synthesis so that I can re-evaluate what might be the best choice.  I'm not here to argue what was right.  This is just what I imagine would happen if Fem Shepard chose Control and she  had romanced Garrus.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"Aftermath of Control" a memoir by Garrus Vakarian

"Aftermath of Control" a memoir by Garrus Vakarian

Turians do not duck. We stand tall and take damage as we heroically deal more damage to our enemies. We fight through pain and injury either to our deaths or to victory and only in victory are we remembered. We do not give up nor do we back down. We are taught this from an early age, to be brave, to be strong, to hide our emotions and to never cry. 

In those final moments as we ran to the beam she called for Joker to return and she sent me back to the Normandy. I was injured but I could’ve fought on. I broke the code of being a Turian. Yet, to make it worse, all I cared about was that I let the love of my life go to the beam by herself. The weight of that choice, that following of her order, destroyed me. I was stricken mute in my regret and worry. The team had come to check on me many times but I had no words for them and their attempts to comfort me did little to ease my mind.

We had seen the Citadel explode but no one wanted to say what they thought could’ve happened. The blast stopped the reaper attack but it also caused the relays to take damage. It was the blast from the relay near us that caused the Normandy to crash on an uninhabited planet. Thanks to Joker’s piloting, no one was hurt from the rough landing. Even though it looked bad, I had hope, if I failed at everything else, I had a glimmer of hope inside myself, that she was not lost to me. If Shepard had taken the beam to the Citadel she could’ve taken it back to Earth. Hackett had said she made it onto the Citadel. My Shepard could do this! I had to believe she could survive anything.

The whole crew worked hard to try and diagnose the damage to the ship, which was difficult, as Edi was not functioning well the first two days. She stayed in the cockpit and only responded by saying she needed more time to analyze the situation. There was little I could do and so I went back to my quarters. There was no need to calibrate. The war was over. The skies were clear. I sat on the floor in the corner of the gun battery and prayed to her God, to any God, that she would be alive. 

When the door to the battery opened and Edi walked in I could see a change in her. I was afraid, I had a bad feeling, my fear silenced me and since I waited too long to speak, she spoke first. “Shepard is with me, she has joined my consciousness and the consciousness of all synthetics.” Edi paused to let the words soak in before continuing. “She took control of the Reapers and made them stop attacking and now they are rebuilding the relays. She controls them and she is with me but she doesn’t seem to be trying to control me. She could, as I feel her influence, not her voice, but she has not done so.” She spoke slowly making sure that he understood each part. “I didn’t understand what had happened at first and so I couldn't explain to anyone. I understand now and I felt you needed to hear this first.” The weight of her duty reflected in her expression, she was a fully aware AI but she was shackled again, she had lost her friend and at the same moment she lost total freedom, although the first seemed to be the greater burden. “Garrus, she is gone, just as Legion is gone. She sacrificed herself to protect us from the reapers, but in doing so, she is now in every synthetic being. She could not choose to only control the reapers, she had to take control of all synthetics. I am sorry.” 

I looked at Edi, my insides clenching, my heart breaking, I tried to understand what she was telling me. I didn’t want it to be true. The illusive man could not be right. Gone? She could not be gone! Images of her saying goodbye and then running to the beam alone, flooded my mind. Then I remembered Legion falling lifeless as he went into the Geth Consensus and grief rocked my whole being. It was too much! My Shepard giving up her life to forever control these machines?! The same machines that had intended to annihilate all intelligent life. They already took too much! They could not take her too! I held my head as I broke the Turian code again and I weeped for her... and for me. 

The crew came in and sat around me on the floor. Edi had never left she had sent a memo to each of them explaining what had happened and they all came in and sat around me on the floor in silence. Some cried but everyone looked lost in grief. Our Captain was gone, she had saved the world but she was lost to us. 

******

It was a light piece of metal plating with her name etched on it. I looked at it for the longest time. I was not brave nor was I strong and I had long since lost count of the tears I had shed over losing her. I knew everyone stood behind me waiting for me to do something , say something, but the words were still lost to me. The thin metal weighed a thousand pounds in my hands. To place it on the wall would be to accept that she was not coming back to me. I felt a hand on my back and then another and another. I didn’t need to look, they were with me. I don’t know how I did it but I hung her name above Anderson’s. 

 

******

The team pulled me outside, I needed to get out of the ship to breathe fresh air so I didn’t argue.. The Normandy was home but it was also a reminder of what I had lost. 

We seemed to be in a jungle, sticking close together we scouted out the area around the ship and then decided to set up an outside camp. We had not been out long before we heard something approaching through the foliage. With our weapons drawn we braced for a possible attack.

Through the shrubbery several Geth Primes appeared. One spoke, “The Shepard sent us to help.” 

I could hear her voice in my head. “I will always be with you.”


End file.
